Emotionless

Sometimes things happen in life that are not pleasant. I seem to have experienced more than my fair share of them over the course of my life. For the most part, I would say that once I got on the other side of things (and after much time, prayer and healing), I became a much stronger person. Probably more of a survival instinct strong. Surviving the horrors inflicted by my ex-husband for instance. It was either survive or die. Which makes it very, very difficult to understand why friends of mine, would be friends with him... especially if they know the horror he inflicted and was capable of. To this day some 25 years later, I still suffer from physical and emotional damage that he did to me. There are physical issues that I had to learn to live with....I would say only a very small handful of people even know about those things and even then, they do not know a fraction of everything he did to me. I have forgiven him through God (thats the only way I could), but there are things that happen that remind me of what happened.  And then...there are things that have happened as of recent from people I trusted.  Right now, I think these things have made me shut down emotionally. I feel dead inside. Emotionless. I value friendships so deeply and when I am hurt by someone I consider a close friend, I fall apart. And then as I try to self-preserve, I put the walls up. I retreat into isolation, I become silent, and try not to allow myself to feel anything at all. That is where I am right now. Dead and emotionless inside. My heart, that loves my friends so deeply, is numb. This is why I do not allow very many people into my life. I cannot take the hurt anymore. I cannot take being shut out as if I do not exist, so I might as well not exist. I'm sure I will get past this too....but in the meantime....my spirit is broken and there is no light in my eyes....