Bucket List...series to continue?

I need to continue my Bucket List series! haha yes, more than one or two posts constitutes a series, don't you think?? ;) Seriously, I intended to have more posts and then I got sidetracked...imagine that. Well, I am inspired again to share adventures and challenge you to some, and will do so very soon. So stay tuned... :) In the meantime, carpe diem!!

Can I Run Yet? Yes....no....sort of...

Ready for the race!

Nine months....the last race I actually walked/ran was 9 months ago, exactly one week before my devastating foot/ankle injury. The past 9 months has been a tough time. So one day I decided I was tired of "resting" my foot (technically that means I was only allowed to be a slug...not healthy physically or mentally) and began walking again at the lake trails. Solid surfaces....I know the route and how many miles I've gone and how long it normally should take me. Its been slow going but felt so good...well other than the pain still in my foot and ankle ha. But I decided it was worth it. I also began volunteering for all kinds of races, working long, hard hours and a lot of manual labor, but it felt great to be doing something, even if I couldn't "run". Then I did it. I was offered a free registration entry of $50 to the Color Me Rad 5K and all kinds of cool swag if I would work their packet pick up. I jumped on it. I thought, I can do this. I tested being able to run while on my walks. Painful. Foot strike was all wrong because of not being able to come down right. ugh. I thought....its ok...this is not a timed race...I can still do this even though everyone thinks I'm crazy for trying. Whatever. That to me is a dare/challenge/whatever you want to call it. No way was I quitting now. Day of the race.....among 8,000 racers and hundreds of onlookers, I found myself there all alone. No one to cheer me on. No one to take pictures proving I was there. This was going to be a strictly personal endeavor. No problem. No one else can do this for me anyway. I pulled my shoe laces tight and the race began....no problem! It felt great....I even ran for awhile....then the wall hit. I could barely walk and it felt like I was going at a snail's pace with everyone flying past. The route didn't stay on pavement...it was hills and gravel and dirt and grass and uneven ground. The pain in my foot was almost unbearable and I just wanted to stop and cry. But I wouldn't dare let myself. I had determined that no matter what, I was going to finish and I was NOT going to let myself finish last either!! haha. In the 2nd mile, it got better, or I got better at ignoring the pain...not sure which. My pace picked back up and I was not going to stop even when I saw others taking a break under the shade of trees....yes it was hot out there....remember, I was not going to be last no matter what. I got more excited as I saw the finish line and I looked back to see that there were still a couple thousand people behind me. :) I finished. I was not last. My own personal victory. Was it a good time? no, it was slow. So what. I did it and I'm proud that I did. Was I in pain afterwards? I don't remember pain until the day after..... but its ok. It was so worth it. :) On to the next one!

Hello Again....

Dear Blog: Yes I have neglected you for the past couple of months or so. I have been working thru some really deep hurts and some difficulties and finding myself again. I am fine. I really am. It took me a little while to realize that certain individuals and situations should not have so much power over me. I love to laugh and have found my laughter again...I am glad. I missed it. I know that happiness and contentment has to come from within myself and it does not and cannot depend on anyone else. Do I still have some walls? yes, I'm sure I always will to some extent....but have brought some down and have started letting people in again. Its a good thing I think. I don't want to be in isolation....people need each other. And my purpose here on earth is really not about me. My purpose has always been about what I can do for others....its kind of hard to do that when you shut everyone out lol. So I am working towards my goals again with a renewed energy and determination, and in the process, so many more doors have begun opening, more than I could have ever imagined. I will write more soon. I'm glad to be back :)

Emotionless

Sometimes things happen in life that are not pleasant. I seem to have experienced more than my fair share of them over the course of my life. For the most part, I would say that once I got on the other side of things (and after much time, prayer and healing), I became a much stronger person. Probably more of a survival instinct strong. Surviving the horrors inflicted by my ex-husband for instance. It was either survive or die. Which makes it very, very difficult to understand why friends of mine, would be friends with him... especially if they know the horror he inflicted and was capable of. To this day some 25 years later, I still suffer from physical and emotional damage that he did to me. There are physical issues that I had to learn to live with....I would say only a very small handful of people even know about those things and even then, they do not know a fraction of everything he did to me. I have forgiven him through God (thats the only way I could), but there are things that happen that remind me of what happened.  And then...there are things that have happened as of recent from people I trusted.  Right now, I think these things have made me shut down emotionally. I feel dead inside. Emotionless. I value friendships so deeply and when I am hurt by someone I consider a close friend, I fall apart. And then as I try to self-preserve, I put the walls up. I retreat into isolation, I become silent, and try not to allow myself to feel anything at all. That is where I am right now. Dead and emotionless inside. My heart, that loves my friends so deeply, is numb. This is why I do not allow very many people into my life. I cannot take the hurt anymore. I cannot take being shut out as if I do not exist, so I might as well not exist. I'm sure I will get past this too....but in the meantime....my spirit is broken and there is no light in my eyes....

Thoughts Are Powerful Forces

The Trails where I find renewal in mind, body and soul.

Thoughts....how easily they can become clouded and muddled. They can be forces that seem to be in battle sometimes...the good, uplifting thoughts versus the bad, destructive thoughts. The destructive ones say...you are not enough, you are not worth the air I breathe, you are not worth the time of day, you are nothing, you have nothing, you will never be good enough, no one even notices you or cares, no one wants to be with you, no one will ever truly love you, you will never be that special or important to anyone, no one is interested in you or anything you do.....see how easily I can come up with all the destructive thoughts? (and trust me, I could go on and on and on with a very long, ugly, depressing list).  Yes, they are familiar and seem to always want to take up residence in my head on a lot of days. They tear apart self-esteem and confidence. These thoughts destroy you from the inside out.  I have been reminded many times of how powerful thoughts are by people who can see the path of destruction that my thoughts take me down. I know this...yet why is so hard to stop those thoughts and think differently. I have concluded that it is a conscious exercise. Just like we exercise the body and target specific muscle groups, we have to consciously exercise and target the thought processes so they become positive and not negative. The wrong thoughts, perceived as truth by me even if they are not truth, causes destruction within myself as well as destruction in relation to those around me. It comes out like poison. I don't want that. I have begun to recognize the pattern that takes place...the triggers and then the spiraling of the thoughts into some God-forsaken dark place that I know resembles the pit of hell. I now CONSCIOUSLY recognize what is about to happen and put a stop to it if at all possible. It works most of the time. Some days I succeed and some days I fail miserably as it is like a cancer that overtakes the mind. A Conscious Exercise: I must train my mind not to take the path of negative thoughts. How? Its like when you are on fire and you are taught to stop, drop and roll. Well, the same goes for thoughts that are going to destroy you....I stop (consciously stop the out of control thoughts and take a step back from the situation), I drop (to my knees figuratively, asking God to take over and help me gain the right perspective), and I roll (I am like a duck, be the duck...let everything ROLL off my back).  I breathe in and out fresh air, life-giving air. I love the lake trails...breathing the fresh air, the water is calming to my mind, the exercise releasing the right endorphins, and talking to God the whole time.  So as I exercise my physical body, I am exercising and strengthening my thought processes, my spiritual, emotional and mental health. I would rather the poison come out in my sweat on the trails than in my words or actions towards others. I am worth it. And I am...enough. No matter what my thoughts tell me.

The Bucket List~Part 2

This past summer as I was planning a week long vacation trip to Florida with another family (and being the planner that I am), I got all the information I could find on what was available to do in the area. One of the things that I looked specifically for was an opportunity to swim and interact with dolphins. This was definitely a must-do, bucket list item! I love dolphins~another of God's amazing and beautiful creatures. I have always wanted to be able to touch and get close to a dolphin. Again, no one else was all that interested! What? Seriously? Am I the only adventurous, nature loving one? I know I'm not, so I signed myself up along with my friend's daughter. What an amazing experience!! It was in a controlled environment so all our group got to sit and watch as they took us into the water with this magnificent animal. It was a learning experience about the dolphins, and we got to give it commands to do tricks, yes while treading water. I think that was the only kinda scary part. I was wondering how long I could tread water...in front of a bunch of people I didn't know! haha But what a gentle creature.  The underbelly was so soft and smooth. Again, I was like a little kid having the time of my life and could not stop smiling! I cannot even tell you how much I loved this! I think I am even more in love with them now than I was before! Yes, we had our pictures taken with him kissing us on the cheek and doing various things~I have a cd of pics their photographer took plus some my best friend took. I was oblivious to our audience. The most thrilling part? THE RIDE. Wow! I held out my hand as he swam under it and I grabbed hold of his fin and off we went!! So exhilarating!! Another experience of a lifetime!! And I would do it again in a heartbeat! I'm so glad that I did not miss this opportunity or say, maybe some other time, or some other excuse. Truly, there is no time like the present. Life is too short to live with regrets of things not done and wishes that you would have. I am learning that more and more, and I want to make sure that I do not miss out on life. I have more things on my bucket list. Things I want to share. This one was not about facing a fear, it was about doing something I had dreamed of doing all my life and going for it. I want to encourage you to go after and do the things YOU'VE dreamed of doing. Why not? What is holding you back? Do it. You won't regret it. =)

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Bucket List ~ Part 1

Taken a few years ago, me petting a tiger!

       Bucket Lists....do you have one? Have you ever thought about what you would put on a bucket list if you had one? Surprisingly enough this is one list that I have not written down. That is funny only because I am the queen of list making! I have lists for everything reminding me of what I need to get done and in what sequence. Yes, I am a little (ok alot!) OCD about details. But in my defense, if I don't write it down, I don't remember it! I deal with the organization of events and plans that involve a gazillion details...my brain files filled up a long time ago and I do not have the ability to remember everything! I joke about my brain being on sticky notes but its true....until I started losing all the sticky notes! So now I have notepads nearby. Ok, I got off track on list making haha. If you read my blogs, you will notice a pattern of this happening! So....
       My bucket list. I have things I would like to do or accomplish before I die. I'm not sure why I've never written them down unless its that fear of never realizing my dreams and then having to look at it glaring back at me and mocking me from my written list. This particular incident though...happened unexpectedly but was definitely something I had always dreamed of doing...touching and petting a real life tiger. I have always had this insatiable love for these beautiful animals. I think they are absolutely the most magnificent creatures. I have always, always, ALWAYS wanted the opportunity to get up close and personal with one.  One day at a hot air balloon festival, I was walking around with friends and we came upon an exotic animal park's set up. Then I saw him. This gorgeous giant cat. And THEN I saw they were actually offering to take people in one by one for a photo opp. Oh my goodness, I don't think I have ever been so excited about something in my entire life and I could not understand why no one else wanted to go in the cage! I didn't hesitate to go to the table and sign on the line saying I wouldn't hold them responsible if I died...yeh, you know what I'm talking about. lol. I wanted to take my son in with me who was only about 5 years old at the time but they wouldn't let me. He was too little and the tiger too unpredictable with a small child. So I went in alone. And then they took me out. ugh! The tiger was restless and the trainers had to walk him around and settle him back down. Then they let me in again. Four trainers were in this large cage with me, one holding the camera, two to the sides watching, and one (the important one!) had a chain wrapped around him and was attached to the chain around the tiger's neck. I suppose if anyone was going down, it would be him. You can kind of see him in the picture. He had a tight grip on the tiger and made sure he didn't eat me. I was instructed to get on my knees and put both hands pressing down on the tiger's shoulders and almost lay down on his back. I was so excited!! I started stroking his coarse fur before I thought to ask if I could pet him.  They said no, I should not do that LOL. ok, I'll stop petting him. :D oops. So I pressed down on this awesome creature's back and the pic was taken, and I petted him again before getting up and was safely escorted out. It all happened too fast!! But I was so thrilled. I am sure I was like a 5 year old in a toy store! I would love to do it again, but if not, I am so satisfied and grateful to have had that opportunity. Since then, even though that  was several years ago, I have thought about other various things that I would like to do or accomplish. Mostly they are things that require courage and facing some fears.  I have done some of them now and will share them in future posts. My brain is now thinking of more things I'd like to add to my bucket list. Adventure is calling....its time to look beyond my fears, be courageous and live life!

Do You Believe In Love?

Love... Do you believe in love? If you're like me, you just heard Huey Lewis & the News singing that song in your head haha. You're welcome.  So, do you believe in love? You know, the kind of love where you want to grow old together and you are completely comfortable and content just to be near each other without even having to speak. The kind of love where you just cannot get enough of being with that person and you want to spend the rest of your life pleasing each other. The kind of love where you just want to hold each other's hands because their touch brings such comfort and peace. The kind of love where you want to share your innermost thoughts and your very being with the other person. The kind of love that makes your heart happy....

Do you believe it exists? Is it for everyone? Is there someone for everyone and if you mess it up, that's it? You now have to settle for something else??  When I was young, I did not truly know what love was I don't think. I made alot of mistakes and yes, I picked the wrong people. Maybe I believed that no one else would ever love me so I better grab onto the one who says he does. Maybe I thought if he loved me enough, then everything would be okay no matter what. I didn't wait for true love. Well, at the time, I suppose I thought it was true love. But love is a two-way street. It is give and take. It is a partnership. It is understanding. It is compassion. It is not harmful physically or mentally or emotionally. It is enduring. It is patient. It is kind. It is not self-serving. True love...is unconditional. I love easily. I love deeply. Its who I am. But the only unconditional love I have ever experienced so far is the love of my heavenly Father. I am thankful for that kind of love.  But while here on earth in this human form, I do believe in love....it is possible.

Who's Knocking at the Door?

       Those days when feelings and emotions come knocking loudly at the door....which ones do YOU let in?
       You know, I usually do not answer the door unless I know someone is coming over. I just do not trust opening the door. I guess I have seen too many news stories about home invasions and I don't want to take my chances. And I figure that if I know you, you have either been invited or you let me know you are coming to my house so I can make sure it is presentable as I see my home as a reflection on me. I think it's rude to just show up on someone's doorstep...but that's just me.  So why do I let threatening feelings into my home (my heart and mind) every time they knock on my door??!! 
       Insecurity comes knocking alot.  Maybe because it has been a familiar guest too many times and knows where you keep the key. It wants to come in and steal your confidence and your self-worth. It is an intruder and is not a good friend to let into your home. I have been a victim of this home invasion wayyyyy too many times and I know I must put a stop to it! It has stolen so much from me already, and now its time to take not just defensive, but offensive measures.  I saw that saying I posted above and it made me laugh (always a plus). But it made total sense to me.  Don't let insecurity come in so you can entertain it. And most certainly, do not give it it's own room so that it moves in to stay! Let it come in if you must, so you can understand it, but then poke it in the eye and tell it to leave!! I love that part. Insecurity has no place in my home. =) 

Rock Bottom

Rock bottom. yep, it feels like I hit it today. A lot of things went straight down the tubes today, ever have those days? It's almost like a domino effect. One thing goes wrong and then it seems like everything possible follows right behind. And then everything else feels like an attack. I know I have to fight those feelings of no self worth or feelings that I am nothing to anyone that matters to me.  Its not a good day from many angles, a lot of different and separate events and things that I won't go into, happened today. It all started stacking up until I could not stand any longer. I'm sorry for my lack of being able to cope today. Only tears and hurt feelings have filled me  and I just feel very alone on days like today. I am sure a lot of it has to do with feeling stuck and isolated from being able to get out and be active. Tomorrow will be better. 

I WANT TO RUN!!!

I have always absolutely LOVED the outdoors and have walked and run countless miles over the course of my life. It is truly something I enjoy, not just for the physical health benefits, but also for the mental and emotional health benefits. Its just me and the trail and it seemed that I always gained a new, fresh perspective on life.


The last several years I have gone to the lake trails at least 3-4 times a week, doing at least 4-7 miles at a time. This past year, I began running again, something I had not really done in awhile and was soon addicted. It felt great. I set goals of signing up and running as many 5K's as I could and wanted to run the half-marathon in 2012. I knew I could do it and was willing to work hard and train hard in order to accomplish those goals. I wanted to begin cycling as well and was seriously looking into that sport. Then in October, I had a severe foot & ankle injury from doing something really stupid on a bike {oh, if only I could turn back time and have a do-over without the stupidity!!}. The x-rays said nothing was broken, but more than likely all the ligaments and things were a mangled mess. Being self-employed and not having medical insurance, has kept me from going back to the doctor or to a specialist, and I have been and AM trusting God to heal me. Its been 5 months now.....I am in pain every single day and have not been able to find any shoe to wear that I can walk in and is not excruciatingly painful. My sneakers beckon me and I've tried to put them on a few times, but cannot last for long at all. The big black frankenstein boot has been my mate {we have a love/hate relationship now lol} and has helped me walk when I've had to, but am still in pain even in that...it just protects my foot more and is the lesser of the pains if that even makes sense.


I think most people don't realize that this injury has had such a profound effect on me emotionally. I want to be active. I want to go places and do things. I want to run....heck, I want to walk if anything.  I find myself depressed even more and yes, having my own pathetic pity parties about how I can't do anything or go anywhere...I can't even walk thru the mall or go shopping for any length of time at all. It has worn out my patience. I have thought, "Ok, God, what are you trying to teach me through all of this?" I am still asking as I cannot seem to find the answer. I am working on projects from my computer and that is good. But I cannot sit here hours on end every single day! My butt will be as big as and the shape of my desk chair soon! I need to get up and do something and it is making me crazy!! haha ok, craziER :)  I feel like a big lump of slug. I have my hand weights nearby so I can at least try to exercise parts of me and am looking for other things to do as well.  I know I am fortunate and blessed and should not complain, as there are those who are truly dealing with real challenges. They inspire me. And I know I will not be down forever, and i should not complain. I just want to be healed from this...it's been long enough...I want to live life and not feel as if it and everyone else is passing me by. I look forward to the day I can run.

I'm Fine.

     Some days if you ask me how I am....this is my answer and all those unsaid things are what I am really feeling like on the inside. But I know that those things are not my destiny, nor does it define who I really am, nor is it the state in which I intend to stay. I know that I have a Father in heaven who loves me unconditionally and gives me peace and strength that sustains me. I know I am worthy because He is. I do not wish to focus on the negatives, but on the victories that are achieved one step at a time. I find that one of the ways to achieve victory over the "things" is to take our eyes OFF of those things and turn our focus upward and outward. Upward ~ meaning focus on God and all His Glory and what He has in store for us, and outward ~ meaning what can we do to help others. Yes, I am still quiet today and gathering my thoughts about me, but I know I am not alone. My Father in heaven promised He would never leave me.

Looking Thru the Clouds

Some days like today, I struggle. I struggle with the right frame of mind, the right thinking, saying the right things. Days like today, it seems that no matter what I do or say....it is taken wrong, or comes out wrong, or just is wrong. And the more I try to fix it or defend myself, the worse it gets. It makes me want to just shrink into a corner and disappear. I tried writing here earlier this morning and have since deleted the post.  It was not bad or offensive, but revealed my recognition of my frame of mind that I let something very silly bother me and that I shouldn't have let it. It revealed that I recognized my need to stop and start over with the day...kinda like I am doing now. I feel I need to write something here that is encouraging, something inspirational, something that will help someone else which usually helps me help myself, and this morning I recognized that my perspective was askew but had already set something in motion that I tried to stop but for some reason took on a life of its own. I didn't and still don't know what to do about it.  Since then I have been very quiet and don't want to talk to anyone. Words have escaped me today and I feel very small. I take things very personally and very much to heart and therefore probably am very easily wounded. Sometimes I take things in the wrong way probably much in the same way that I am taken the wrong way. I never mean any malice towards anyone nor would ever in a million years want to hurt someone.  I should stop talking now too.  Anyway. I know that the clouds will pass and the sun is peeking thru.  I know tomorrow is a new day. I just wish some days we could have do-overs and erase the day and the things said that did not go so well. So, I will go to bed tonight and hope sleep will come and replace the tears. And it would be nice if my mind wouldn't keep replaying everything I've done or said wrong, which only weakens any self-confidence or worth. Its no one else's fault. I know it's mine and I own up to it or at least my part of it. I blame no one else. That is not my nature to do so. I can only take responsibility for me. That is what is required of me. And I look forward to better days......

Shall We Dance?

Almost anyone who knows me, knows that this is probably one of my most favorite quotes of all times. Why? Because I have had to learn to dance in the rain. alot. and I'm quite good at it now. :)  Oh, by the way, don't try to correct my grammar or my punctuation on here lol. Yes, I made straight A's and know how to properly write. But I finished school a really long time ago and I am just here writing out of my heart and soul and I write just like I talk....so relax....{smiles}.  Ok, so meanwhile back at the ranch, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain." We all have storms that we face in this journey of life. Some storms are severe and the tornado warning sirens are going off~yes I live in Oklahoma and this is a familiar sound. These storms can leave a path of destruction and there can be loss of life if proper precautions are not taken. Its really funny to think back on my childhood memories of growing up out in the country with nothing but farmland and cattle grazing close by. We had an old fashioned storm cellar in the yard beside our house and at night the coyotes would sit on top of the tin door and howl.  I, of course, would howl back. haha. Anyway, it was not unusual to be watching the weather on tv and know we were in the path of the storms...it seemed they ALWAYS went right over us. We would make a mad dash through the pouring rain for the cellar~only then could we hear the sirens going off in town a few miles away~we'd throw open the tin cellar door and be overwhelmed by a strong musty smell. There always seemed to be black standing water in the bottom of the tiny cellar and I did not want to think about what kind of snakes could possibly be lurking in there. The walls were lined with shelves holding all the canned vegetables from the garden, and on one wall there were two large potato bins where we could sit. There was a 2x4 board going from one of the steps to the bin so we didn't have to wade in that nasty water. I pretended it was a pirate ship and we all had to walk the plank. Then I pretended the bins were our ship's bunk beds even though there were no mattresses or cushions, just plywood boards. Gosh, we were like pioneer farm people or something. My sister, who is 10 years older than me, would hide in the potato bin hanging onto a wild-eyed cat while I stood at the top of the steps wanting to see storm. The clouds fascinated me. I saw many tornado clouds and found that exciting, but I somehow knew they were not going to get us and we were safe. I would run out into the yard and dance around splashing thru the giant puddles and run back. It was so much fun...I really could not understand why my sister was yelling at me to get in the cellar! Didn't she know she was missing the best part?? Or maybe I was more scared of the unseen things in the murky cellar water than I was of the storm.  My dad always stood there with his hand on the door ready to close it if we needed to while he was yelling at my mom. Why was he yelling at HER? Because she was ALWAYS still in the house washing dishes or something! She prided herself on her home and what if a tornado did hit and people saw her dirty dishes....ok, so now you all know why I am OCD and the same way. Tornado warning? Yep, I'm washing dishes or putting clothes away or something haha. Oh God love her. Thanks, mom, for passing down that insane perception of what to do. I don't think that is what they mean when they say, "take yer tornado precautions!"
     And then there are lovely storms like today. The rain is falling and its sounds wonderful. Refreshing, relaxing, renewing.....I have the doors open and am enjoying the sound and the smell of rain. I love it because I didn't have to drive anywhere so was not subjected to the wet streets and deep puddles. I can hear sirens, but they are not tornado sirens. When the storm is calm like this, it is easy to dance in the rain, in fact I did go out on the patio for a little bit. Its the storms where the wind is whipping you around that makes dancing difficult.  Regardless, no matter what....the storm always passes. It never lasts forever. There have been many storms in my life, some severe, some not so bad, but all were challenging nonetheless. But what are you going to do when you face a storm? Are you going to hide? Or are you going to dance in the rain? The first time I heard this quote about 5 years ago....I immediately knew what to do.  I think you know my answer.....I learned to dance in the rain.

View Obstructed

Last night as I was driving to go get something to eat, I saw this beautiful sky with colors so vivid it looked like a painting. It was....it was God's painting. I was getting frustrated because there were so many signs and buildings and vehicles and all kinds of things it seemed that were obstructing my view! I could not ever get a completely unobstructed view of this sunset in all its glory. I wanted to climb to the top of a hill or mountain and get a clear view. I wanted to capture a magnificent picture but this was the best I could get. It desperately bothered me for some reason. Maybe its because I grew up in the country with nothing nearby and our closest neighbor was a mile away in any given direction. I am sure I witnessed some of the most fantastic sunsets and never really appreciated them at the time.  I began to think about how in life, sometimes we have trouble seeing the things God has for us clearly because of various obstructions in the way. I could go on and on describing what all those obstructions could be, but I believe they are probably different for every person. Every person has different situations and circumstances, different things they are battling with....and are at different places in their journey of life. What is obstructing your view? Are there things that you need to get free from in order to see what God has waiting for you? Go climb the mountain. Just think how magnificent the view will be for you. =)

Not For The Directionally Challenged!!

If you read my last post, you'll know that I am struggling with some choices to make.  Its not the first time and I am positive it won't be the last time that I find myself standing at a fork in the road wondering where each would take me and if that's the way I should go. Thankfully, I've never been directionally challenged and knew how to read a map long before the GPS navigation systems came out!! And honestly, I kinda trust the good old-fashioned atlases more! I think its probably because I do like to see the big picture instead of just what is right in front of me. (hmmm. It all makes sense now.... lol Ok back on track...)  For example, on vacation this past summer with another family, they had their GPS programmed in their car as I did in mine, but both systems were giving us different instructions which made the entire drive to Florida very confusing to say the least! We ended up on two-lane roads in the backwoods of Alabama instead of the interstate like my GPS indicated. We had to laugh, what else were we gonna do? And of course, I had also brought along my trusty atlas and had it out a few times when we decided we were lost and didn't want to re-enact a scene from Deliverance. It got to where I would verify on the atlas if the GPS was telling us the correct instructions or not! I didn't trust the source that was giving us directions! Life is full of choices...its part of the journey. And its part of what builds our faith as well. If the path was always straight with no exits, no entrances, no detours, no side trips, no choices...it would probably actually be pretty boring and would require absolutely no faith. It would never require us to seek God and His plan for our lives. So even though the choices before me can be confusing and stressful sometimes, I welcome the challenge. It is causing me to examine myself and my motives. It is causing me to ask God what to do. It is causing me to trust Him as my source! It is humbling me to know that no, I do not have all the cut and dry answers, but that I need to seek out God for His answers. But I must choose carefully. The wrong choice could take me in the opposite direction of my intended destination.  I know I could be a success at whatever I set after to do, but that is not the point. The point is that I am doing what God has asked of me. THEN, will I find happiness and contentment and success. If I am passionate about what I am doing, if I love what I am doing, then it will not feel like a job that I have to do, but will be something that fulfills my heart's passion and will bring the right results and I will be on the right road towards my destiny. I must trust my Source.

Where Is My Life's Navigation System Taking Me?

Am I on the right road? Am I going in the right direction? Should I go a different route? Do I even KNOW where I'm going?? Those are some questions that I am asking myself right now which of course led to another restless, sleep-deprived night. I have dreams and plans for some things that have been culminating over a period of time and seem to finally be coming together. My mind has been swirling with ideas and thoughts that have been written down on paper and are actually being put into action as I take charge of my life. Yesterday, I had an epiphany that seemed to be another puzzle piece that fit so beautifully into a project I am working on that actually gave that project more of a purpose than I could have ever imagined. My excitement was uncontainable as I thought more and more about what I was going to do. Imagine: A project with a PURPOSE. ha. That is exactly what I preach about so many things....if there is not a point or a purpose, why do it? I truly felt as if this epiphany or lightbulb that came on in my thought process was truly God-driven and God-inspired. I know this project will take a lot of time before it is completed and comes into fruition, but I was so excited that I wanted to get it done as soon as possible so that I could possibly make a difference in this world and benefit others besides myself. (And no, I'm not revealing the idea just yet until I have it well underway....I just don't want to deal with skeptics and pessimists. I don't have time for them.)  So as my mind is taking off on all these things last night, I am presented (totally out-of-the blue) with a job opportunity....a different road.  As I read the email with this job description, a part of me was SO excited as it described the responsibilities and qualifications...it was me to a T.  The catch: I could see where this would easily be a 60-80 hour a week job including days, nights, weekends, my blood, sweat and tears and my life. Then I began to think about the organization I would be working for. Are they self-serving or are they people who are doing things for others...I'm not entirely sure. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as I thought of my son, whom I homeschool. He would be alone all the time if I took this. I need the money this job would bring (desperately), but is that the reason to change the course that was on my life's navigation system? I thought of all my plans, my dreams, all the things I've been working on...my new project and its new purpose...  Do I just package all that up and file it away again under "dreams never realized"? I already have a drawer full of those files. So I am weighing it all out but I think I already know the answer. Its like the perfect distraction, the proverbial carrot dangling in front of me full of promises but not really happiness. I try looking beyond whats right in front of me and into the future and its consequences of whatever action I take and not just the immediate results. Bottom line: Whatever road I choose, I want to make sure I am on the right one~one that has God's blessing and favor~one that is God-inspired. hhmmmm.

Happy Pi Day!!

Mmmmmm pie..... okay, so I do know that pi and PIE are two totally separate things and only one of those do I understand. :) I'm sure you can guess it is the one that normally has crust and can hold any number of preferred fillings to satisfy the taste buds. Pie. One of those yummy delights that my sister never could master and I heard many horror stories of her throwing balls of pie dough across the room at her laughing husband and I'm most certain lots of curse words were uttered under her breath. He learned to either duck or stay out of the kitchen. My mother, on the other hand, was the master of pie dough. Actually, she could pretty much win the grand prize on anything she made, but her pie crust was and always will be the best I have ever had.  When she was battling cancer and staying at my house as I cared for her, I decided that while she still could, she NEEDED to teach me her secrets to making the perfect pie crust. Even though I always held out hope that she wouldn't leave this world or me behind, I somehow knew deep inside that it was now or never.  We spent time in my kitchen as she showed me and taught me and I practiced over and over. For some reason, this seemed really important at the time. And honestly, I do not regret it in the least bit. It is some of the best memories I have of us together. Regardless to say, I now proudly make pie crust (much to the disgust of my sister who still cannot make pie crust to save her life) with the same confidence that my mom had. I think its perfect or as perfect as any pie crust can be that's not my mom's. I am happy with it anyway, and Lord knows, I am my worst critic! So there you have it. My pie story. And one of the fondest, most cherished memories I have with my mom. Now, every time I make a pie ~ which strangely enough is usually only at Thanksgiving or Christmas even though my 14 year old son BEGS for me to make them ~ I look to heaven and thank my mom for her undying patience and for teaching me the simple things in life that mean so much now. Happy Pie Day, Mom! {blows kiss towards heaven}

You Are In Control. Really, You Are!

I saw this saying and then I found this awesome picture of a surfer and started playing with a program to create this image. haha I'm pretty proud of myself at the moment! (yes, I'm sure you all knew how to do this years ago and are in disbelief that I am so far behind the times hahaha, its ok, I know now~~smiles).  So, now that I know how to do that, I will take and utilize original photos and messages as I really don't like to copy other people's stuff but like true originality and creativity.  So this is the feeling I am surfing right now~~originality and creativity. I have always been both of those things I think even though its hard to find true originality with so much out there for us to see in a social media dominated world.  However, yes, I do still have original thoughts and hopefully something to say that will encourage, inspire, or at least let you know that you are not alone in this world, and that someone understands.  Feelings can overwhelm and overpower you if you let them~and trust me, I know how easy it is to let that happen.  We have to take control though and make choices about what feelings we will allow or that particular "wave" will take us under.  I have been there many MANY, did I say MANY? times and have felt like I was drowning as those waves washed over me, pulled me under and I found myself no longer in control and struggling to even breathe. I don't like not being in control! And it is harder to get our feet back on solid ground again! What we have to do is stop~breathe~disconnect sometimes~ then either walk away from that emotion or situation or look at it again with a different perspective. CHOOSE to be in control of those feelings. I have to remind myself (sometimes out loud lol) that 99% of the time, when I do that and I let those initial feelings subside, things then look totally different and did not warrant the wave of emotion that first began to rise up. It is a battle within our minds. But know this~YOU are still in control if you choose to be! So my thought for today is choose the awesome waves to surf. Choose happy, fulfilling, positive, uplifting waves. And the more you do that, you will find that you are able to master bigger, tougher waves~pretty soon, you'll be riding the tubes! So hang ten! ;) I choose an original, creative life today.

Spring Cleaning means Simplify and Minimize

My OCD Sock Drawer!!

Spring! That time of the year when the sun is shining and trees are blooming (I would say flowers are blooming but I do not have a green thumb and seem to not be able to grow anything except weeds...hmmmm that sounds like another blog post subject lol).  Ok, back on track. Actually this year we never really had a winter, so January and February felt more like spring.  Couple that with this inner urge I have that I must clean EVERYTHING out from cabinets, drawers, closets, you name it...and I find myself energized and tired at the same time but feeling quite satisfied to see some progress as several bags make their way to the dumpster and quite a few bags are being carted off to donate to good will.  Good lord, stuff accumulates fast!  I know this probably sounds weird (lol no comment from the peanut section) but its like I have this mindset that if I needed to pack up everything I owned in one day, I could do it fairly easily.  Anyway, one of the many things I've been tackling included my dresser drawers...wow, nothing feels better than to clean out your drawers!! hahaha So here is one example of my cleaning and organizing frenzy....a very OCD sock drawer. I think I threw out a whole trash bag full of old socks that goodness knows when I wore them last and I found a pair of neon orange socks that I know I wore sometime in the 80's....I kept that one, those are back in style, right??!!! There were also several widowed pairs. Can someone please tell me where random socks disappear to and are never found again??? One of the mysteries of the universe. I did have a small insight one day when my son put on a shirt and he yells out, "MOM!" as he pulls out one of my clingy socks and a lacy unmentionable from his sleeve. Yes, I died laughing as I pictured in my mind a scenario of those things falling out as he was with his friends. hehe I'm giggling now just thinking about that!! :)  So anyway, spring cleaning is still underway as I tackle what seems like mountains of paperwork...my shredder is smokin! My motto is now simplify and minimize. It feels like a burden is lifted every time I take another bag out to the dumpster. Its a very good feeling.

This One or That One?

Comparison is sometimes a good thing and sometimes it is a bad thing. For instance, going to the eye doctor and he puts the "comparison machine" as I like to call it, to your eyes and says, which one is clearer...this one? or that one? Hopefully this comparison is a good thing if you've answered correctly each time and you end up with contacts or glasses that make your vision better. Now you will be able to see more clearly! On the flip side...if you saw someone prettier, smarter, braver, more talented, more anything...and you think, which one is better...this one (me)? or that one (them)? and your vision becomes clouded as you think "oh...that one is better and I'm not good enough."  Cloudy vision indeed. This type of comparison steals your joy, steals your self-worth, steals your ambition sometimes, and can steal your life.  Don't let that happen...fight those thoughts.  We cannot compare ourselves to others because guess what...we will always find someone else who is better. The point is that instead of letting that kill your spirit, rise up and be the best you that you can be! God has given each person talents and beauty that is unique to each individual. If I tried to be like someone else, I would fail miserably because I am not being who God designed me to be. And guess what, that person I'm comparing myself to?? Well they couldn't be me either! So live your life with joy knowing that you are created in God's image and that is the most beautiful creation imaginable!

Take Out The Trash!

Its funny how alot of times we feel so weighed down in life that it immobilizes us and we can't figure out why. I know I have done that. The truth is, we carry alot of baggage around with us~baggage that is over the limit, unnecessary baggage, baggage that does not belong and is not meant to go on the journey with us!! I'm talking about emotional baggage. You know, the junk we carry around in our hearts and in our minds that sometimes keeps us from even getting on the right road much less being able to travel that road! Is it that this stuff is familiar? Is it like a ratty old blanket that we don't want to get rid of because it USED TO contain happy memories? Maybe thats it....we have good memories attached to the baggage even though the baggage is now poisonous and toxic to our system. But thats the point. It is now toxic to our system and we need to get rid of it. Drop it at the curb. Take it to the dump. Throw it off a cliff...the baggage, not you. lol You (and I) were made for things so much greater than what that baggage represents. And when you get rid of that baggage~and I mean get RID of the baggage...don't save it for later so you can pick it back up again~but when you get rid of it, you will feel a freedom that will give you the ability to RUN the race with agility. You will no longer be dragging the toxic waste, but will be free. The journey is worth it. No matter what has brought us to this place in time~the good, the bad, the ugly, the mistakes, whatever has happened in life~God takes all those things and creates an even better plan for you. His grace is sufficient for me and for you.

Don't Worry~Be Happy!!!

That's a familiar phrase to us, right? Don't worry, be happy....and yes, all of a sudden I hear the song playing in my head and I imagine myself on a tropical beach with music playing and I'm holding a pretty drink with an umbrella in it..... So, ok, I open my eyes and I'm not on the beach but in a landlocked state. But no matter, today...I choose to be happy. Its a choice. Not always an easy choice given various circumstances and situations, but still a choice, a mindset if you will. I have a life to live, dreams to pursue, goals to achieve....did I already say a life to live?! Life is too short to spend time worrying. And in the big scheme of things, imagine the thing you are worrying about and then ask yourself this question, "In 5 years from now, will this be relevant? Will I even remember any of this?" More than likely the answer will be no. If that's the case, let go of it. If it is the case, do something to change it... and be happy.  Worry acts like a thief; it robs us of the joy God wants us to experience each day. Basically, all our worries come down to two things: that we won’t get what we need, or that we’ll lose what we’ve got. Taking each day as if this is the last day of our lives changes our perspective on how we face each day, will we be full of joy or full of worry? We have a choice. I choose joy. Mt 6:33-34 

Can You See The Real Me?

I know those around me have seen the emotional struggle I've been going through for what seems like forever....I know my emotions seem extreme and have been told that. I wish sometimes people could see what's really going on in my life and in my head (past and present) so they could really understand me, but I know that is not possible and that is not going to happen, and honestly, I don't think anyone would know what to do with that information anyway. What I DO wish....is that people could see the real me. The me that is trying to see the world more positively and with direction. The me that is clawing to get out of the hole. The me that has self-esteem and confidence. The me that wants to live life to the fullest, to laugh with abandon, to be happy and bring joy to those I come in contact with. The me that wants to love and be loved unconditionally. I want you to see that I do not want to be messed up and that I am trying to rise above everything I've been through...maybe someday I will share what those things are, maybe I won't....it really doesn't matter because all those things are in the past or soon will be.  I guess what I'm trying to say is....please don't give up on me.  The real me is fighting to find herself again.

I Don't Want To Be Your Prisoner!

Ever get so caught up in what you think everyone else thinks about you that you completely lose yourself? I think sometimes we forget that in reality, people don't think about us as much as we think they do or possibly even want them to! We spend our time worrying and maybe even trying to be someone or something other than who we really are based on what we think someone else thinks we should be. I know...we do this sometimes because we want to be liked, even loved-we want to be accepted, we want to feel as if we are important to someone and that we are their world. Wrong mentality. This can certainly put you into a self-created prison and they are your master. Don't let that happen. And most certainly, do not let anyone do this to you on purpose!! Take control of yourself, your thoughts, your actions....be yourself. BUT....strive to be the best YOU that you can possibly be!! Be the person that God created you to be....and yes, it is always a process because we never ever become perfect. Let me say that again....be yourself but be the best you that you can possibly be. How? Seek God. Make Him the focus, not yourself. It is amazing how He can mold and shape and change what needs to be changed when we simply let go and turn things over to Him. Easy? no. Possible? yes. Necessary? absolutely. In the meantime.....try to enjoy the journey. 

Strong Enough!

Yes, YOU are strong enough...yes, "I" am strong enough....to face whatever comes our way and live life to its fullest. I know I have had days where I felt like the problems or things I was facing was going to absolutely smother the life out of me. But....I don't believe that God ever intended for me to lay down and hide under the covers (no matter how much I wanted to do that...and have at times done that). God can give us the strength we need because He is our source....in our weakness, we are made strong. If it takes looking in the mirror and reminding yourself that you are more than enough, that you are strong enough, that you are worth it because you are a child of God...then do it!! I am.

Time for Change

I have not blogged in so long....well just not here lol facebook and twitter have taken the place of where my thoughts have surfaced...yikes! So I just found my blog again and will be deleting and editing and starting afresh. I have goals and dreams and a destination to work towards. So...soon, this site will change and look different and hopefully not be full of so much hurt and depression. Good grief I have issues haha :) So, if you are by chance seeing this....be patient....good things will come soon here.