Bucket List...series to continue?

I need to continue my Bucket List series! haha yes, more than one or two posts constitutes a series, don't you think?? ;) Seriously, I intended to have more posts and then I got sidetracked...imagine that. Well, I am inspired again to share adventures and challenge you to some, and will do so very soon. So stay tuned... :) In the meantime, carpe diem!!

Can I Run Yet? Yes....no....sort of...

Ready for the race!

Nine months....the last race I actually walked/ran was 9 months ago, exactly one week before my devastating foot/ankle injury. The past 9 months has been a tough time. So one day I decided I was tired of "resting" my foot (technically that means I was only allowed to be a slug...not healthy physically or mentally) and began walking again at the lake trails. Solid surfaces....I know the route and how many miles I've gone and how long it normally should take me. Its been slow going but felt so good...well other than the pain still in my foot and ankle ha. But I decided it was worth it. I also began volunteering for all kinds of races, working long, hard hours and a lot of manual labor, but it felt great to be doing something, even if I couldn't "run". Then I did it. I was offered a free registration entry of $50 to the Color Me Rad 5K and all kinds of cool swag if I would work their packet pick up. I jumped on it. I thought, I can do this. I tested being able to run while on my walks. Painful. Foot strike was all wrong because of not being able to come down right. ugh. I thought....its ok...this is not a timed race...I can still do this even though everyone thinks I'm crazy for trying. Whatever. That to me is a dare/challenge/whatever you want to call it. No way was I quitting now. Day of the race.....among 8,000 racers and hundreds of onlookers, I found myself there all alone. No one to cheer me on. No one to take pictures proving I was there. This was going to be a strictly personal endeavor. No problem. No one else can do this for me anyway. I pulled my shoe laces tight and the race began....no problem! It felt great....I even ran for awhile....then the wall hit. I could barely walk and it felt like I was going at a snail's pace with everyone flying past. The route didn't stay on pavement...it was hills and gravel and dirt and grass and uneven ground. The pain in my foot was almost unbearable and I just wanted to stop and cry. But I wouldn't dare let myself. I had determined that no matter what, I was going to finish and I was NOT going to let myself finish last either!! haha. In the 2nd mile, it got better, or I got better at ignoring the pain...not sure which. My pace picked back up and I was not going to stop even when I saw others taking a break under the shade of trees....yes it was hot out there....remember, I was not going to be last no matter what. I got more excited as I saw the finish line and I looked back to see that there were still a couple thousand people behind me. :) I finished. I was not last. My own personal victory. Was it a good time? no, it was slow. So what. I did it and I'm proud that I did. Was I in pain afterwards? I don't remember pain until the day after..... but its ok. It was so worth it. :) On to the next one!

Hello Again....

Dear Blog: Yes I have neglected you for the past couple of months or so. I have been working thru some really deep hurts and some difficulties and finding myself again. I am fine. I really am. It took me a little while to realize that certain individuals and situations should not have so much power over me. I love to laugh and have found my laughter again...I am glad. I missed it. I know that happiness and contentment has to come from within myself and it does not and cannot depend on anyone else. Do I still have some walls? yes, I'm sure I always will to some extent....but have brought some down and have started letting people in again. Its a good thing I think. I don't want to be in isolation....people need each other. And my purpose here on earth is really not about me. My purpose has always been about what I can do for others....its kind of hard to do that when you shut everyone out lol. So I am working towards my goals again with a renewed energy and determination, and in the process, so many more doors have begun opening, more than I could have ever imagined. I will write more soon. I'm glad to be back :)

Emotionless

Sometimes things happen in life that are not pleasant. I seem to have experienced more than my fair share of them over the course of my life. For the most part, I would say that once I got on the other side of things (and after much time, prayer and healing), I became a much stronger person. Probably more of a survival instinct strong. Surviving the horrors inflicted by my ex-husband for instance. It was either survive or die. Which makes it very, very difficult to understand why friends of mine, would be friends with him... especially if they know the horror he inflicted and was capable of. To this day some 25 years later, I still suffer from physical and emotional damage that he did to me. There are physical issues that I had to learn to live with....I would say only a very small handful of people even know about those things and even then, they do not know a fraction of everything he did to me. I have forgiven him through God (thats the only way I could), but there are things that happen that remind me of what happened.  And then...there are things that have happened as of recent from people I trusted.  Right now, I think these things have made me shut down emotionally. I feel dead inside. Emotionless. I value friendships so deeply and when I am hurt by someone I consider a close friend, I fall apart. And then as I try to self-preserve, I put the walls up. I retreat into isolation, I become silent, and try not to allow myself to feel anything at all. That is where I am right now. Dead and emotionless inside. My heart, that loves my friends so deeply, is numb. This is why I do not allow very many people into my life. I cannot take the hurt anymore. I cannot take being shut out as if I do not exist, so I might as well not exist. I'm sure I will get past this too....but in the meantime....my spirit is broken and there is no light in my eyes....

Thoughts Are Powerful Forces

The Trails where I find renewal in mind, body and soul.

Thoughts....how easily they can become clouded and muddled. They can be forces that seem to be in battle sometimes...the good, uplifting thoughts versus the bad, destructive thoughts. The destructive ones say...you are not enough, you are not worth the air I breathe, you are not worth the time of day, you are nothing, you have nothing, you will never be good enough, no one even notices you or cares, no one wants to be with you, no one will ever truly love you, you will never be that special or important to anyone, no one is interested in you or anything you do.....see how easily I can come up with all the destructive thoughts? (and trust me, I could go on and on and on with a very long, ugly, depressing list).  Yes, they are familiar and seem to always want to take up residence in my head on a lot of days. They tear apart self-esteem and confidence. These thoughts destroy you from the inside out.  I have been reminded many times of how powerful thoughts are by people who can see the path of destruction that my thoughts take me down. I know this...yet why is so hard to stop those thoughts and think differently. I have concluded that it is a conscious exercise. Just like we exercise the body and target specific muscle groups, we have to consciously exercise and target the thought processes so they become positive and not negative. The wrong thoughts, perceived as truth by me even if they are not truth, causes destruction within myself as well as destruction in relation to those around me. It comes out like poison. I don't want that. I have begun to recognize the pattern that takes place...the triggers and then the spiraling of the thoughts into some God-forsaken dark place that I know resembles the pit of hell. I now CONSCIOUSLY recognize what is about to happen and put a stop to it if at all possible. It works most of the time. Some days I succeed and some days I fail miserably as it is like a cancer that overtakes the mind. A Conscious Exercise: I must train my mind not to take the path of negative thoughts. How? Its like when you are on fire and you are taught to stop, drop and roll. Well, the same goes for thoughts that are going to destroy you....I stop (consciously stop the out of control thoughts and take a step back from the situation), I drop (to my knees figuratively, asking God to take over and help me gain the right perspective), and I roll (I am like a duck, be the duck...let everything ROLL off my back).  I breathe in and out fresh air, life-giving air. I love the lake trails...breathing the fresh air, the water is calming to my mind, the exercise releasing the right endorphins, and talking to God the whole time.  So as I exercise my physical body, I am exercising and strengthening my thought processes, my spiritual, emotional and mental health. I would rather the poison come out in my sweat on the trails than in my words or actions towards others. I am worth it. And I am...enough. No matter what my thoughts tell me.

The Bucket List~Part 2

This past summer as I was planning a week long vacation trip to Florida with another family (and being the planner that I am), I got all the information I could find on what was available to do in the area. One of the things that I looked specifically for was an opportunity to swim and interact with dolphins. This was definitely a must-do, bucket list item! I love dolphins~another of God's amazing and beautiful creatures. I have always wanted to be able to touch and get close to a dolphin. Again, no one else was all that interested! What? Seriously? Am I the only adventurous, nature loving one? I know I'm not, so I signed myself up along with my friend's daughter. What an amazing experience!! It was in a controlled environment so all our group got to sit and watch as they took us into the water with this magnificent animal. It was a learning experience about the dolphins, and we got to give it commands to do tricks, yes while treading water. I think that was the only kinda scary part. I was wondering how long I could tread water...in front of a bunch of people I didn't know! haha But what a gentle creature.  The underbelly was so soft and smooth. Again, I was like a little kid having the time of my life and could not stop smiling! I cannot even tell you how much I loved this! I think I am even more in love with them now than I was before! Yes, we had our pictures taken with him kissing us on the cheek and doing various things~I have a cd of pics their photographer took plus some my best friend took. I was oblivious to our audience. The most thrilling part? THE RIDE. Wow! I held out my hand as he swam under it and I grabbed hold of his fin and off we went!! So exhilarating!! Another experience of a lifetime!! And I would do it again in a heartbeat! I'm so glad that I did not miss this opportunity or say, maybe some other time, or some other excuse. Truly, there is no time like the present. Life is too short to live with regrets of things not done and wishes that you would have. I am learning that more and more, and I want to make sure that I do not miss out on life. I have more things on my bucket list. Things I want to share. This one was not about facing a fear, it was about doing something I had dreamed of doing all my life and going for it. I want to encourage you to go after and do the things YOU'VE dreamed of doing. Why not? What is holding you back? Do it. You won't regret it. =)

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Bucket List ~ Part 1

Taken a few years ago, me petting a tiger!

       Bucket Lists....do you have one? Have you ever thought about what you would put on a bucket list if you had one? Surprisingly enough this is one list that I have not written down. That is funny only because I am the queen of list making! I have lists for everything reminding me of what I need to get done and in what sequence. Yes, I am a little (ok alot!) OCD about details. But in my defense, if I don't write it down, I don't remember it! I deal with the organization of events and plans that involve a gazillion details...my brain files filled up a long time ago and I do not have the ability to remember everything! I joke about my brain being on sticky notes but its true....until I started losing all the sticky notes! So now I have notepads nearby. Ok, I got off track on list making haha. If you read my blogs, you will notice a pattern of this happening! So....
       My bucket list. I have things I would like to do or accomplish before I die. I'm not sure why I've never written them down unless its that fear of never realizing my dreams and then having to look at it glaring back at me and mocking me from my written list. This particular incident though...happened unexpectedly but was definitely something I had always dreamed of doing...touching and petting a real life tiger. I have always had this insatiable love for these beautiful animals. I think they are absolutely the most magnificent creatures. I have always, always, ALWAYS wanted the opportunity to get up close and personal with one.  One day at a hot air balloon festival, I was walking around with friends and we came upon an exotic animal park's set up. Then I saw him. This gorgeous giant cat. And THEN I saw they were actually offering to take people in one by one for a photo opp. Oh my goodness, I don't think I have ever been so excited about something in my entire life and I could not understand why no one else wanted to go in the cage! I didn't hesitate to go to the table and sign on the line saying I wouldn't hold them responsible if I died...yeh, you know what I'm talking about. lol. I wanted to take my son in with me who was only about 5 years old at the time but they wouldn't let me. He was too little and the tiger too unpredictable with a small child. So I went in alone. And then they took me out. ugh! The tiger was restless and the trainers had to walk him around and settle him back down. Then they let me in again. Four trainers were in this large cage with me, one holding the camera, two to the sides watching, and one (the important one!) had a chain wrapped around him and was attached to the chain around the tiger's neck. I suppose if anyone was going down, it would be him. You can kind of see him in the picture. He had a tight grip on the tiger and made sure he didn't eat me. I was instructed to get on my knees and put both hands pressing down on the tiger's shoulders and almost lay down on his back. I was so excited!! I started stroking his coarse fur before I thought to ask if I could pet him.  They said no, I should not do that LOL. ok, I'll stop petting him. :D oops. So I pressed down on this awesome creature's back and the pic was taken, and I petted him again before getting up and was safely escorted out. It all happened too fast!! But I was so thrilled. I am sure I was like a 5 year old in a toy store! I would love to do it again, but if not, I am so satisfied and grateful to have had that opportunity. Since then, even though that  was several years ago, I have thought about other various things that I would like to do or accomplish. Mostly they are things that require courage and facing some fears.  I have done some of them now and will share them in future posts. My brain is now thinking of more things I'd like to add to my bucket list. Adventure is calling....its time to look beyond my fears, be courageous and live life!