Looking back...Pressing forward

So 2008....not such a great year for me in so many areas. I hate remembering, but my problem is that I remember everything...I can't seem to forget. It all constantly replays in my mind and torments me all hours of the day and night. So many things happened in my personal life in the past year or so that still hurt to the core of my inner soul. It has never been resolved. The enemy, satan, pulled out all the stops to try to destroy me, my family, my marriage, my friendships, everything around me, and everything that I am...or was...and the people it involved let it happen and I dare say aided and abetted. I know I am not the same person now as I was a year ago. The walls are thicker and higher, yet so vulnerable. Its hard for me to let anyone in and I certainly hold everyone at a distance away from me. My guard is up and I seem to constantly be on the defense, afraid of the next assault from anyone anytime anywhere. I feel like I am always on the outside looking in and have become totally isolated and shut out, afraid to trust anyone. I am definitely not myself. I used to be fairly outgoing and fun-loving...I loved to laugh and I laughed at everything. Not anymore. And I don't like it. Not one bit. sooooo....what am I going to do about it? How is 2009 going to be different? Well "I" can't do anything about it except completely 100% turn it all over to God. I tried to make things right, but the more "I" tried to fix things, the worse things got. It seemed that no matter what I said or did, it was taken the wrong way. I tried to just put it all behind me, but I haven't. It won't rest. Yesterday, I realized that a root of bitterness had taken hold inside of me. And the more I thought about things, the more I was watering that root. I cried out to God to yank that root out of me. I don't want it. I don't want the pain, I don't want the righteous indignation, I don't want the anger, I don't want the hurt, I don't want to cry anymore. There is a battle inside my soul because those voices keep telling me that I was wronged and stabbed in the back, reminding me that I didn't deserve to be treated this way by people who had said they would stand with me in battle but instead turned on me. The thing is, I still love these people dearly and want so desperately for everything to be wonderful again. Maybe thats why I can't seem to move on...I want things resolved. I know that thru Jesus Christ, I AM victorious. I am pressing forward with everything within me. Am I there yet? no. Am I trying? yes, I really am. I am praying this year is a year of new beginnings, not 6 months from now, but now. That God answers prayer now. That deliverance and healing comes now. That restoration comes now. Thats enough of this particular battle. I want it to end. I want to press forward. I want to be in the race...I don't want to miss what God is wanting me to be doing because I'm so distracted that I can't see Him and how I'm supposed to be serving Him and His people. I've been ineffective for too long. My tears could fill oceans. Its time for those tears to become tears of joy, not mourning. I long for my joy to be restored. I long to truly laugh again...the kind of laugh and joy that comes from the depths of my soul.